Thursday, May 30, 2013

Confessions of a weary single Mama

and I really want to stress only sometimes, I get tired...not tired like oh it's been a long day, but TIRED. I'll caveat this entire post with I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING, but sometimes being a single mom just gets old. Normally I am so proud of myself after doing some work on the car; believe it or not I actually like dealing with the engine and knowing a teeny bit about what is going on in there, or where something should go and occasionally actually being able to put that thing back or in or over. The other day, however, after working hard on the car both inside and out (which I only really had to do thanks to a shoddy and sloppy job by my mechanic), I wanted to come in and sit and have a glass of wine. YES, Linda wanted wine!

A moment to catch your breath.....   ;)

The cleaning fairies did not come. I breezed through the door and THEY HAD NOT ARRIVED. What? Isn't that how it works, hard working single woman comes back into the house, exhausted, weary...she trods through the door to find the house literally sparkling from corner to corner?? Dinner wasn't made, laundry wasn't folded, beautifully chilled glass of wine not magically placed in my hand, and worst of all--no cheering crowd to praise my handy auto work.

Quite the contrary awaited this lady. The crowd erupted into chants of "WHAT'S FOR DINNER, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?" Enter the realization I was heading to the store as that crowd balked at the idea of just skipping dinner just this one time. Seriously, what is it with these kids and always wanting food?!? ;-P The kitchen sink was full of dishes again (and excuse me but why is it that those fairies always manage to show up (the mess-it-up fairies as opposed to the clean-it-up fairies)? Yes, I know the answer to that and I'm working on training those kids--um, I mean, calling out to those fairies to arrive in proper time and consistently.

Two hours later store was visited (driven to in said sparkling van), dinner was made and eaten, kitchen and dining room cleaned. That bottle of wine in the fridge kept calling out to me....I just felt that it was still too early to have that delicious burst of sweet relaxation-in-a-glass. It was time to watch "The Voice" (no early to bed in our house on The Voice nights), and laundry was finally dried, folded, and put away! The show was over and finally...bed time! Sounds good, I know, and again I looked at that wine bottle; however, bedtime with my ASD son means another 30 minutes at least, many routines that have to be done to gently walk him through his sleep anxiety every night. I'm proud of the progress he's made--it has been months since he has woken in the night, wandering around in a night terror--and again **I wouldn't change a thing** but this night I just wanted to get bedtime over, and YES get to that bottle of wine!

11pm and after 5 or 6 or 7 "one more hug"s and "Sweet dreams!" and "Nothing bad's gonna happen right?" and "I love you", Z was settled in bed. M was watching her Dr. Who and well, she's 14 and does her own going to bed stuff lol. Ah, time for that wine, I thought, until I realized I hadn't done my workout. This past Monday marked 3 weeks straight of my exercise routine being done every single day and, while the temptation was great to skip it, I was too afraid to let it go since I haven't hit the "30 days to a habit" point yet and it has taken me 2 years to finally put exercise back into my life. FINALLY, at 11:30 I went for that bottle of wine. Realizing how late it was and knowing how fast the morning arrives, I decided to just have a half a glass. Pulled the bottle out of the fridge, got my pretty real glass wine glass from the cabinet, started to pour...and tipped the bottle more as it just wasn't coming out. I tipped a bit more and finally that pretty red liquid began to fill my glass. And stopped after creating about a tablespoon size circle in the very bottom. That was all, it was empty.  Guess it had been that long since I had touched the bottle that I had forgotten the last time I had some wine, I had poured a full glass, taken two sips and realized I just didn't have the time to sit and enjoy it and poured it out, leaving the bottle by the sink to rinse and recycle. Apparently those fairies are mischievous cause they put that bottle back in the fridge for me, how helpful. THe night became a benadryl, bottle of water, and bed night.

Sometimes I just get so tired that I just want to feel tired; but there's just not time even for that. I feel guilty saying it but I know there are other bone-weary Moms out there, too. Loving Moms who also WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING, who just now and then feel exhausted. It's okay--I believe we're allowed and we have to stop thinking we can't feel that way because if we admit to feeling tired it will feed the negative nellies around that will say "see? you really want to be married/inarelationship" "see? you really don't want to homeschool anymore" "see? YOU CAN'T DO IT". NEWSFLASH, it's okay, we are okay and we'll keep being okay even if we admit our humanity now and then.

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